It won't be long before Cupid begins shooting people with his golden arrows. Yes, Valentine's Day is just around the corner, which means thousands of love‑sick females will start on a rampage. Every year I go through the same thing, every frizzy‑haired, wide‑eyed girl in the school sends me a rather macabre valentine inscribed with something like this, "Dear Lester, Roses are red, Violets are blue, Wait till I get my hands on you, Love Freda." But I guess that's just the price you have to pay for being so suave, handsome and debonair.

I really don't mind being the idol of all those girls, it gives my heart an inner glow to know I bring happiness into the lives of so many frustrated people.

During times as leap year and Valentine's Day, I try to think of little things I can do to cheer up some of my disillusioned fans. Last Valentine's Day for instance, I had my own special cards made up, with a large colored picture of myself on the front, in black and blue. Of course there's always some smart aleck girl who has to ruin it for the others. I found out one girl used my card as a target during archery practice.

It's just a good thing I'm not the narrow‑minded sort of guy, because if I wanted to, I could make it pretty tough for all those girls. But being the goodhearted Lester that I am, a vicious thought like that never entered my mind. But if it did enter my mind, millions of helpless females would probably enter in a traumatic state of shock. I would make the newspapers; I can see the headlines now, LOVE SICKNESS CLOSES SCHOOL.

I really don't have time for thoughts such as those, for in my spare time I devote myself to my bongos, Shelley Berman records, and of course my loyal fans.

At the present, I'm creating this year's Valentine Card for the feminine populace. It will either be a box of candy with my initials on top of every chocolate covered cherry, or a little gold statue of myself inscribed, Love Lester. I figure it would be just like receiving an Oscar only different.

Well, I guess I'll end my little catharsis, and say what I had intended to in the beginning. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. LOVE LESTER.