By PETE HOEPFNER

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

12 terrible Twinkies (two in a pack),

11 assorted envelopes,

10 toe‑tapping tambourines,

9 nostalgic nymphs,

8 edible elephant ears,

7 psychedelic suckers,

6 symbolic cymbals,

5 fanatic farmers,

4 fancy fencing foils,

3 thrilling serpents,

2 tingling tarantulas,

and the insides from a rotten golf ball.