AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Picture this! A driving instructor speaks to a female pupil.

"That's right, ma'am, just relax . . . . We'll have you driving in no time . . . . Now, the first thing to do is sit in the driver's seat of this dual control car. Nothing can go wrong.

No, no, don't sit on me.

Wait till I move over . . . . That's right.

"All right, the next thing to do is turn the motor over. No, not with your hands. Just press this little button. That's it. Now gently ease the car forward . . . . (jerk violently, shout) I said gently!

"Well, we're on the way. Remember, if you want to stop, just gently apply your brakes.

No, a tree will not do just as well. Watch out for the truck over there.

"Why? (exasperated) Well, maybe he's a new driver!

"Let me show you the proper signals. Straight out for a left turn . . . . That's right. (shout) Your arm, not your foot! Up for right and down for stop; that's right. No, ma'am, you may not just wave wildly and let them take their choice.

No, we have no signal for waving to a good‑looking man in the next car.

"You are going 10 miles an hour . . . speed up a little.

No, ma'am, ninety's not a little. Now slow down . . . a little at a time . . . (jerk forward) Be careful; we're coming to a tunnel.

"Don't worry; there is an opening there. Careful now.

(shout) Please, lady, open your eyes! . . . Look, see that big black spot ahead. . .? That's the tunnel. Don't be frightened, there are rarely any bears in there . . . nothing to frighten you.

"The next thing to learn is how to go around corners. See that corner coming up? I want you to make a right turn. Turn the wheel . . . . (shout) No, the other way . . . that's right. Now, make a turn here and watch out for that hardware store . . . careful. . . . Well, that wasn't too bad but we'll have to return those rakes and shovels that got caught in the bumper.

"Let's take up street signs. No, I don't mean we're going to dig them up . . . just study them. Remember, a red signal means stop and a green one means go. I'm sorry you don't like those colors. You like purple for stop and blue for go?

"See that white line in the middle of the road? Be sure you stay on this side of it. I know there are cars on the other side . . . but if you look very closely, you'll see that they're going the other way.

"Yes, when we come back, you can have that side.

It's all fair and square. No, the white line is not for motorcycles . . . . Just keep thinking to yourself, my side, his side, my side, his side.

"I hear a police siren! Pull over to the curb and stop! That's it. (quickly) No, no, it's not necessary to bow as they go past.

"Remember to keep your eyes open for traffic signs. See those over there . . . 30 mile limit slow, curve ahead . . . railroad crossing . . . see if you can read a few . . . Joe's hot dogs, eggs for sale . . . well, that's the general idea . . . . Be sure to watch for signs that say curves ahead. No, there won't be any that say curves behind.

"Be extra careful of animals that might dart across the road. You know, dogs, cats, rabbits no, it's not likely that you'll see an alligator.

"Do you think you can drive back to town without help? You do? Fine! Just a minute while I put on this blindfold .... Why? Oh, I just think I'll feel better that way."