VOL. XVII, NO. 8

You know you're a born loser on Valentine's Day when. . .

you receive a box of candy and find it empty.

Cupid shoots his arrow and misses your heart.

the only card you receive is from your younger sister.

you weigh 300 pounds, and everyone gives you candy.

you end up spending Valentine's Day at your grandma's.

the corsage you're wearing wilts five minutes after you put it on.

you receive an anonymous love letter, and you find out it was only your best friend playing a joke on you.

the heart‑shaped cake you're making for your sweetheart turns out looking like a football.

you find out your date is dating someone else.

your only fortune cookie says better luck next time.

your corsage falls into the fish tank.

you find out that the person across from you in PAR wasn't winking at you but at your friend next to you.

walking out the door with your date and your dad says be home by 8 p.m.

the bill says $23 and your pocket says $20.

Candy‑Gram brings you candy from your sweetheart and charges you for them.

the only kiss you receive is from your dog.

you can't find your Certs after eating garlic bread.

your date takes you over to his place and serves liver.

your younger brother puts the box of candy you received on the radiator.

you're watching the Charlie Brown Valentine's Day special and feel Charlie Brown is luckier than you.

you walk into a restaurant and trip over the maitre d'.

the tire goes flat and you have to change it in your tux.

you're having dinner for two at your place and the steak burns.