VOL. XIX, NO. 12
MAY 19, 1978
Scientists Open Capsule;
Artifacts Found From 1978
Artifacts Found From 1978
BY TODD WIELGOS
The day has finally arrived, May 19, 2078, 100 years since Maine West's Class of 1978 locked away the remnants of their years at Maine West for posterity. With joyous anticipation the young science scholars of the school opened the slightly rusted capsule.
Results of the content analysis were disclosed early this afternoon, and you, the readers of the Westerner are now going to read of the results.
An introductory letter from Principal James Coburn states how the procedure of choosing the articles was left totally up to the students. The late, great Mr. Coburn is now immortalized in the hall for late, great principals, for his astounding work in frown prevention. His letter was the only thing present in the capsule that was totally understood.
A distinctive odor arose from the capsule. At first, the young scientists thought it was just polluted air that has not been around since 2043 when the national oil supply was depleted. But after a few minutes, a shriveled, dehydrated nonnutritious substance, wrapped in celophane, was disclosed.
The day has finally arrived, May 19, 2078, 100 years since Maine West's Class of 1978 locked away the remnants of their years at Maine West for posterity. With joyous anticipation the young science scholars of the school opened the slightly rusted capsule.
Results of the content analysis were disclosed early this afternoon, and you, the readers of the Westerner are now going to read of the results.
An introductory letter from Principal James Coburn states how the procedure of choosing the articles was left totally up to the students. The late, great Mr. Coburn is now immortalized in the hall for late, great principals, for his astounding work in frown prevention. His letter was the only thing present in the capsule that was totally understood.
A distinctive odor arose from the capsule. At first, the young scientists thought it was just polluted air that has not been around since 2043 when the national oil supply was depleted. But after a few minutes, a shriveled, dehydrated nonnutritious substance, wrapped in celophane, was disclosed.
The final report was the inner slab of protein was once a soybean material burger surrounded by an artifically vitamized bun. Could the student‑body actually have found enjoyment in eating this "so‑called" food? It is also clear that students had not had a course in freshman food preservation.
Several textbooks were also included; math and Spanish books were the most interesting. The ancient language of Spanish, as we all know, hasn't been practiced since the great earthquake of Europe, which caused the country of Spain to break off into the Atlantic. The language majors deciphered statements such as, "We had bananas for lunch," and, "How much is this?" Could it be that we translated wrong? The math book is a book in elementary calculus. Most of the formulas have long been obsolete.
The last bit of interesting material was a small yellow slip of paper, with the title "Hall Pass" written on it. What type of enforcement was this? There are two signatures on it; one, supposedly superior, had a strange graphite based ink. Was this special ink used by the superior to prevent forgeries? This type of "barberic" treatment went out with homework.
To the scientists, it seems that the past students of Maine West were undernourished, undereducated, and were under some type of rule. But to think about it, customs and traditions haven't changed much in 100 years.
Several textbooks were also included; math and Spanish books were the most interesting. The ancient language of Spanish, as we all know, hasn't been practiced since the great earthquake of Europe, which caused the country of Spain to break off into the Atlantic. The language majors deciphered statements such as, "We had bananas for lunch," and, "How much is this?" Could it be that we translated wrong? The math book is a book in elementary calculus. Most of the formulas have long been obsolete.
The last bit of interesting material was a small yellow slip of paper, with the title "Hall Pass" written on it. What type of enforcement was this? There are two signatures on it; one, supposedly superior, had a strange graphite based ink. Was this special ink used by the superior to prevent forgeries? This type of "barberic" treatment went out with homework.
To the scientists, it seems that the past students of Maine West were undernourished, undereducated, and were under some type of rule. But to think about it, customs and traditions haven't changed much in 100 years.