DECEMBER 16, 1960
Washington, Take Notice
This year, as the Christmas season draws near, one question has taken precedence over all others in my mind-why isn't Santa Claus a consultant at Cape Canaveral?
In all the years that Mr. Claus has been around (and he's been around for quite a few), he has managed to visit an ever-increasing number of homes yearly.
Even taking into consideration the time zones, which, if used to advantage, provide Santa with additional time to scoot up and down chimneys, his yearly accomplishments border on the miraculous. How does he do it? Simple. Jet propulsion. The reindeer, which no one has ever had an opportunity to view closely, are animalized jet-propelled robots. Rudolph's nose, obviously is a small solar-powered light bulb which serves to guide the Jolly Old Gentleman through the darkened sky.
Santa has been at this thing for hundreds of years, so he is definitely way ahead of his time. Why, then, doesn't the Space
Maybe, though, Santa Claus is Russian. Perhaps he doesn't live at the North Pole at all, but resides in Siberia. He may be subsidized by the Communist Party as a goodwill ambassador, while spending the summers working in Russian Space Research. But, personally, I don't think Santa is Russian, for gift giving sounds too capitalistic to be tolerated by The Party.
Our mission is now clear: we must intercept Santa in our fireplaces, and ask for his services. Since he wants everyone, including the U.S. Space Agency, to have a Merry Christmas, he can't refuse. But we must reach him, at all cost, before the Russians, and certainly before they start saying that they invented him, too.