My feet are killing me. I've just walked around the entire city of Des Plaines trying to get as much candy as I can. My stomach is killing me. I've just eaten four Almond Joys, three boxes of candy corn, eight chocolate kisses, two taffy apples, and six Baby Ruth bars, I think, I lost count. It's taken me all these years of trick or treating to realize that there still are some people who don't appreciate the true meaning of Halloween. To these people, I owe a certain amount of gratitude for their thoughtfulness and kindness‑mostly their lack of it.

For instance, when I went to Mrs. Smith's house, she opened the door, gave me a dirty look, and threw a green M&M in my bag. I looked at her as if to say, "Hey, lady, is this it?" She in turn looked at me as if to say, "Hey, kid, that's it. Get out of here." Tomorrow morning Mrs. Smith will find her breakfast running down the windshield of her car and dripping out of her mailbox. I hope it gets all over her bills.

When I went to see Mr. Jones, I rang the doorbell and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Trick or Treat!" He told me that he'd show me a trick. He took out a deck of cards. I had to pick out a card, memorize it, and put it back in the deck. My card was the Ace of Spades; he said it was the Jack of Diamonds. I looked at him and asked him for something to eat. He laughed at me and told me next year I should ask for a treat instead of a trick. I'll give Mr. Jones a trick. How about a year's supply of Charmin hanging around his trees?

When I went to the Walters' house, I rang the doorbell 36 times (I counted) and no one answered. Thanks to them I have a Charlie Horse in my index finger. They're never home. As soon as they see some kids with trick or treat bags, they get in their car and leave town. When they get back, they'll find a few naughty words spelled out in shaving cream on their lawn. For a more permanent remembrance of me, there will be a few in long‑lasting orange paint on their sidewalk.

Warning: If the above people do not, in any way, comply with my need to pig out on Halloween next year, I'll be back!