BY KENDEL OKON

Now that the holidays are over, I've come to the conclusion that what I really need is to go on a diet. Yes, I want my waist to be 24 inches around instead of my thighs being that big around. The first time I decided to go on a diet was last summer. I was walking down the beach wearing my new string bikini. Two foxes were following me. One of them said to the other, "Hey, I'll take the chick on the right; and you can have the one on the left."

Today, Monday, I'm starting my new diet. The basic idea of this diet is to cut your intake of food in half. Unlike all of my other diets, this one is a bit easier because I can eat anything I want. I pledge right here and now to stick to it. I will list my progress daily so that years from now I can look back at this and laugh.

Monday: For breakfast I had a small glass of orange juice. At lunch I had a Tab, a carrot, and two crackers with cheese on them. For dinner I had a cup of yogurt. This is going to be so easy. I feel great, and I'm not even hungry.

Tuesday: I am so hungry, but I lost two pounds. I rewarded myself with a hot fudge sundae. I am permitted to do this because it's the only thing that I will eat today. But tonight for dinner, my mother made me eat a half of a pan of lasagna, mashed potatoes, and for dessert, another hot fudge sundae. My mother thinks that diets are for the birds. That's easy to say when you only weigh as much as one.

Wednesday; Today I plan to fast. I gained back the two pounds I lost and added three more. The only thing I will consume today is water. If my mother makes me eat anything, I'll punch her in the nose. Yes, I'm that desperate.

Thursday: So far, so good. I didn't eat anything yesterday, and I lost three pounds. But I'm so hungry. I think World War II is being reenacted in my stomach. For lunch I ate a candy bar and a milkshake. Who has time for nutrition when you are about to eat your gymsuit. To compensate, I'll have a carrot for dinner tonight.

Friday: This diet is really successful. The only things I ate today were two Big Macs and three dozen Twinkies.

Saturday; 0h wow, pork out time! Today I ate everything in the house. Everything from Alphabits to zucchini. Boy, am I going to regret this in the morning.

Sunday: I won't tell you how many pounds I gained. I planned to fast again today, but we went to my grandma's house. Good old Grandma just finished baking six dozen chocolate chip cookies. Suffering from severe chocolate withdrawal, I locked myself in the closet and ate all of the cookies.

Well, I'm just going to have to find another diet. If that does not work, I'll just have to join Farrah at a Chicago Health Club. 0h boy, then I'll get to run down a deserted beach at sunset in my bikini. What's the point?