BY KENDEL OKON

I was told to write a feature. I was told to write a feature on absolutely anything. Well, I sat down and tried to think of something to write about that would totally interest anybody.

I could tell you about the new diet I was going to try. All you eat on this diet is monkey lips and paint thinner. You lose a lot of weight, but you get this incredible urge to scratch your armpits and jump up and down on luggage every time you walk past a paint store. I don't recommend this diet because the results can be embarrassing. I still haven't figured out how to get the hair off my chest.

Then again, I could tell you about the time I went to McDonald's and porked down three Big Macs, four bags of fries, three shakes, one of each flavor, and six hot apple pies. When I got home I ran straight to the bathroom and I ...I'm so sorry. I forgot you could be eating while you're reading this. The last think I want to do is spoil your appetite.

I could write about the exciting details of my love life, but I'd probably bore you to death. It's about as exciting as watching my 23‑year‑old cat gum down his seafood supper.

Okay, maybe you could call me a jinx. But I'd rather be called just plain unlucky. I remember the first time that I went to the Axle. I really don't know why I went, considering I don't even know how to skate. When I got there, I got my skates and made my way somehow, over to the railing and held on desperately. I tried to look as though I was really an experienced skater. This guy named Fred came over and asked me if I wanted to skate. Well, naturally I said yes. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, came this little kid, who rammed into us and knocked Fred down. I tried to help Fred stand up, but I was having enough trouble doing that myself. I grabbed on to his shirt, which proceeded to rip in half. He fell to the floor again and I accidentally, yes, accidentally, skated over his face, breaking his nose. Well, I tell you, I never saw so much blood in my life. It was so gross I could have... Oh, I did it again. I almost spoiled your appetite.

Well, there's my feature. I doubt if it was totally interesting and enlightening. If you have any suggestions on how I could spice up my life, please tell me. But do yourself a favor, don't meet me at the Axle.