BY JENNIFER ADAMS

An epidemic is going around Maine West. It's called spring fever, and everyone is affected. However, spring fever is a rotten thing to have when the weather is bad outside. So, what can you do to keep yourself occupied?

1. Do homework. This would surprise your English teacher - "You actually did the 20-page report on Poe? You chose this to be your first completed assignment this semester?"

2. Help around the house. Of course, your mom may die of shock. "You? Do work? Around the house? Are you feeling all right? Maybe I should call the doctor

3. "Consume mass food quantities." What better way to waste a day is there than eating everything in sight? Go on, experiment. Try a peanut butter and bologna sandwich, or a cheese and onion one. Don't forget pickles dipped in chocolate syrup for dessert. (This is not recommended if you have a weak or sensitive stomach.)

4. Use the telephone. Not for local calls, mind you. Ring up everyone you can think of ‑ the farther away from Des Plaines the better. Try to get some overseas calls in, too. If you do this, you're guaranteed to have more fun when the next phone bill arrives.

"Who was the dummy who called Siberia and talked for 40 minutes?"

"Uh, the cat did, Dad."

"I'll murder that alleycat!"

5. Play your records. Turn the Who (or the Rolling Stones or Foghat) on full blast and see how long it takes until the windows break, the ceilings crack, and the other people in the house pound on your door to turn down the music.

6. Do something nasty to your brother or sister. For example, sneak into your sibling's desk drawer and draw a moustache on his (her) most prized photograph of Olivia Newton‑John (Shaun Cassidy). Naturally, the blame goes on the cat. (Cats make great scapegoats.)

7. Clone yourself. You can have fun scraping a cell from your hand, adding the chemicals, and watching a new you grow right before your eyes. Once your twin is active you can be in two places at the same time and know the true meaning of "I feel like such a clone."

8. Perform surgery. Besides the fun you can have messing about in the insides of your family, you can save your family money. Admit, it, your sister does need her tonsils out, and your mother has had that board nailed to her head for a long time. Also, if you have done numbers four and six already, your dad may want you to give the cat a lobotomy. ("That'll teach that dumb feline not to call Siberia and deface other people's property!")

I hope these suggestions help your case of spring fever during a rainy day.