VOL. XXIV, NO. 4

I don't know what your parents have told you about Santa Claus, but don't believe a thing they tell you.

Santa Claus has to exist because the set‑up of a guy delivering toys all over the world is very worthwhile and extremely profitable.

First off, Santa lives at the North Pole. Here he can operate his toy factory without being disturbed, but best of all, by living at the North Pole Santa doesn't have to pay any taxes. Since the North Pole isn't a country and nobody really wants the place, it's easy to see how Santa saves money. Besides, the IRS's last North Pole expedition ended in the freezing of six auditors.

Another money making scheme is Santa's use of elves to do all the work. Toymaking, gift wrapping, reindeer hoofing, Santa is too rolly‑polly to dress himself so the elves have to do that also.

Elves are not children, they're not adults, so what are they? They're just elves! Elves are short, little people so they don't take up a lot of space, and they don't eat as much as regular people, so Santa's food bills are not that bad. The best thing of all is that you don't have to pay them minimum wage, since Elves don't have labor unions.

If they strike, who cares? There isn't work around for hundreds of miles, so if they try to walk south they'll either freeze to death or be eaten by a polar bear or the Abominable Snowman, so they have to stay.

One of Santa's more clever money saving devices is his use of reindeer instead of Lear jets. Reindeer don't need fuel except for some hay. They don't need lube jobs, new filters, new brakes, tires, wings, landing gear and other costly extras. Once in a while they get sick or have flat feet, but that can be taken care of by the mechanic elves.

Awhile back, Santa wanted to use Japanese reindeer because they ate less and were smaller, but he didn't want to sacrifice quality for quantity. A very shrewd businessman this Claus guy.

Don't think for a minute that all of this wealth goes to Santa alone, no sir. Wherever there's money, a woman is bound to be around. Mrs. Claus gets a piece of the action. She takes care of feeding the elves, the reindeer and jolly old Saint Nick, too. She keeps the gang on the home front happy while Santa is in charge of distribution and public relations.

Up until now it doesn't seem that Santa could have made much money. but look at it this way. What country wouldn't pay some stranger to keep all of their kids happy with toys and gifts if only for a few days?

The entire world would pay Santa money to keep the children happy, he probably has a contract with the United Nations. Each country pays Santa a certain amount of money for his services. In return the children of the world are happy and the adults have a day to rest without Junior bothering them for one reason or another.

I'll bet you're asking, "What about conflicting reports that in some countries Santa delivers gifts on a horse or uses mass transportation?"

Every country has its own traffic laws. Besides being a shrewd businessman, Santa Claus is a good, law‑abiding citizen. It's also excellent public relations.

If you're still a skeptic, you're probably asking, "Some countries say that the elves, or a magical fairy or President Reagan deliver the gifts?"

Santa isn't a young guy anymore, he has his limits. Also Santa is trying to create jobs for the unemployed by putting as many elves to work as possible.

The magical fairy is probably an unemployed relative that needs work, and everybody knows that President Reagan only gives gifts to rich people.

If I haven't convinced you yet, you'll ask, "How does he know if I'm sleeping or if I'm awake?"

That's just something to keep the kids on their best behavior. Parents love that saying too. I have heard many a time, "If you don't go to sleep Santa won't come here!" I found out it was just a trick when I learned about breach‑of‑contract laws.

Next you'll ask, "How does this guy get into my house, when I don't even have a chimney?"

First off, Santa stopped his chimney routine when his arthritis started to bother him. As for getting into your house, your parents have secretly sent him a tracing of your house key. He has a duplicate made up at the Elf Locksmith Shop.

This procedure has its drawbacks. Last year in New York City Santa was arrested for breaking and entering. Once they got him down to the station a mugger identified him in a police lineup. So if your gifts arrive late this year, it's probably because Santa was delayed in some high‑crime city.

So have a Merry Christmas and remember, Santa Claus does exist. The set up is too good to pass up. He works only one day a year, what a life!

Off Beat
by Randy Johnson