VOL. XXIV, NO. 7
APRIL 27, 1983
Television shows
lack substance
lack substance
I was watching television, instead of doing my homework, the other night when on the screen appeared the most hideous creature God in his infinite wisdom has ever created. No it wasn't King Kong or Godzilla or the Wolfman. It wasn't that seaweed covered kid from Friday the 13th or the Elephant Man. This thing was so ugly that it made Phyllis Diller look like the Playmate of the year.
This thing had a face that could stop a train just by looking at the tracks! No it's not even that ugly little E.T. creature that I'm sick of looking at (Lord knows if they come out with one more E.T. novelty, I'll tell the authorities that he's an illegal alien).
This thing was called Mr. T! Its not Mr. T that I'm mad at, it's the jokers that put him on prime time television that make me mad.
Television shows nowadays lack interesting plots. Take the Love Boat for example. Here's a show where everyone falls in love, gets married and has a family of four all on a three day cruise. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Television shows need substance, interesting plots and good storylines. I have composed the following list of television shows that I would like to see. These shows have all of the good qualities that a television show needs.
The Crisco Kid - Two chefs fight for law and order in the old west while continuing their never ending search for the ultimate shortening. This week Julia and Maurice have a showdown with the stove thief.
The New Jeffersons - A wacky new comedy staring Andy Kaufman as that hilarious statesman Thomas Jefferson. This week Tom finds himself in a bind, trying to decide whether to do his sword swollowing act, or sign the Declaration of Independence.
Oldheart - Bob Newhart is a rusty old doctor who specializes in heart transplants. The only problem is that Bob has lost both of his hands during the War and does the entire operation with his teeth. (Parental Discretion is advised.)
Trapper John R.S.V.P. - Two isolated Yukon trappers send out invitations to total strangers for a party that has supposedly been going on since they stopped playing Bob and Doug McKenzie records. This week there are still no answers.
Plasterpiece Theatre - Stucco for breakfast (part 4 of 600). This 600 part, twelve year play, concerns the great wall builders of the world. This week Frank Lloyd Wright visits the Great Wall of China.
Late Saturday Night Live - This show features a Police Department rundown on all teens not home on time on Saturday night. This week Officer Rusty Badge discusses punctuality and puberty.
Doctor What - An English science fiction series that uses cheap special effects to make the story seem real. In fact the effects are so bad that the viewer has to sit through the entire show to understand what the opening credits said.
Richard Whimpmonns - A lisp talking, reformed weight-watcher tells dieters how to make themselves whimpy. This week is limp wrist week, plus a special section on how to get sand kicked in your face.
This thing had a face that could stop a train just by looking at the tracks! No it's not even that ugly little E.T. creature that I'm sick of looking at (Lord knows if they come out with one more E.T. novelty, I'll tell the authorities that he's an illegal alien).
This thing was called Mr. T! Its not Mr. T that I'm mad at, it's the jokers that put him on prime time television that make me mad.
Television shows nowadays lack interesting plots. Take the Love Boat for example. Here's a show where everyone falls in love, gets married and has a family of four all on a three day cruise. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Television shows need substance, interesting plots and good storylines. I have composed the following list of television shows that I would like to see. These shows have all of the good qualities that a television show needs.
The Crisco Kid - Two chefs fight for law and order in the old west while continuing their never ending search for the ultimate shortening. This week Julia and Maurice have a showdown with the stove thief.
The New Jeffersons - A wacky new comedy staring Andy Kaufman as that hilarious statesman Thomas Jefferson. This week Tom finds himself in a bind, trying to decide whether to do his sword swollowing act, or sign the Declaration of Independence.
Oldheart - Bob Newhart is a rusty old doctor who specializes in heart transplants. The only problem is that Bob has lost both of his hands during the War and does the entire operation with his teeth. (Parental Discretion is advised.)
Trapper John R.S.V.P. - Two isolated Yukon trappers send out invitations to total strangers for a party that has supposedly been going on since they stopped playing Bob and Doug McKenzie records. This week there are still no answers.
Plasterpiece Theatre - Stucco for breakfast (part 4 of 600). This 600 part, twelve year play, concerns the great wall builders of the world. This week Frank Lloyd Wright visits the Great Wall of China.
Late Saturday Night Live - This show features a Police Department rundown on all teens not home on time on Saturday night. This week Officer Rusty Badge discusses punctuality and puberty.
Doctor What - An English science fiction series that uses cheap special effects to make the story seem real. In fact the effects are so bad that the viewer has to sit through the entire show to understand what the opening credits said.
Richard Whimpmonns - A lisp talking, reformed weight-watcher tells dieters how to make themselves whimpy. This week is limp wrist week, plus a special section on how to get sand kicked in your face.
Family Fraud - Policital families compete for big money by seeing who has the most interesting frauds in categories such as government loans, voting practices and employment of relatives. This week our reigning champions, the Daleys, face the Nixons.
General Hospitality - A hospital that does not wait on patients? Well it's all here. No medicine, bandages or plasma in this hospital! All of the doctors and nurses have relationships on a fixed schedule. This week X-Ray and Intensive care, pediatrics and blood donation all meet in the hall broom closet.
My Nova - A science program that studies the workings of a 1975 Chevy Nova. This week we study exhaust problems and their relation to Darwin's theory.
Barnaby Loans - A crusty old loan shark wheels and deals his way into a private investigation service. This week Barnaby investigates a horse theft and breaks four deadbeats' legs while at the race track.
Solid Golda - A spinoff of the overplayed television movie "A Woman Called Golda". This series follows the exploits of Golda's sister, Rhonda, and her fun loving adventures across Israel. This week Rhonda travels to the west bank of the Jordan River to engage in hilarious combat with the Arabs.
The Duchess of Lazzard - Two country gals Barb and Zuke, discover fun and danger as they try to rescue every relative of theirs from the county jail, run by local rednecks. This week the girls commit four acts of felony and one count of grand theft auto at a square dance.
Ft. Worth - Not "Dallas" but an incredible simulation. This series deals with P.D.Q. Ewing and his crooked oil empire. Lovely ladies and handsome men are the only reason to watch this one, folks. (First on Nielson ratings last week.)
Bear Essence - A new series that deals with the life and loves of George Halas. This week the Dick Butkis trade has complications, and the Packers are in town looking for trouble.
I Dream of Weenies - Major Tony Felson finds a hot dog cooker along a deserted beach that contains a magical Genie that makes Tony millions of dollars in hot dogs. This week Tony and the gang go east for "Weenies in Bagdad".
Gimme a Buck - The exploits of Lee lacocca and his quest for government funds. This week President Reagan says no to his request for money for new cars, but gives Lee billions for building tanks that don't work any better than the cars.
Hopefully television shows will achieve a higher standard of quality. If this is to take place things will have to happen; program directors will have to think of better prime time scheduling, writers will have to think up better storylines and Mr. T. will have to get a facelift.
So if you're tired of television just remember this: flashy, gaudy, repulsive, stupid shows are here today, but long, boring prime time presidential speeches are here to stay.
General Hospitality - A hospital that does not wait on patients? Well it's all here. No medicine, bandages or plasma in this hospital! All of the doctors and nurses have relationships on a fixed schedule. This week X-Ray and Intensive care, pediatrics and blood donation all meet in the hall broom closet.
My Nova - A science program that studies the workings of a 1975 Chevy Nova. This week we study exhaust problems and their relation to Darwin's theory.
Barnaby Loans - A crusty old loan shark wheels and deals his way into a private investigation service. This week Barnaby investigates a horse theft and breaks four deadbeats' legs while at the race track.
Solid Golda - A spinoff of the overplayed television movie "A Woman Called Golda". This series follows the exploits of Golda's sister, Rhonda, and her fun loving adventures across Israel. This week Rhonda travels to the west bank of the Jordan River to engage in hilarious combat with the Arabs.
The Duchess of Lazzard - Two country gals Barb and Zuke, discover fun and danger as they try to rescue every relative of theirs from the county jail, run by local rednecks. This week the girls commit four acts of felony and one count of grand theft auto at a square dance.
Ft. Worth - Not "Dallas" but an incredible simulation. This series deals with P.D.Q. Ewing and his crooked oil empire. Lovely ladies and handsome men are the only reason to watch this one, folks. (First on Nielson ratings last week.)
Bear Essence - A new series that deals with the life and loves of George Halas. This week the Dick Butkis trade has complications, and the Packers are in town looking for trouble.
I Dream of Weenies - Major Tony Felson finds a hot dog cooker along a deserted beach that contains a magical Genie that makes Tony millions of dollars in hot dogs. This week Tony and the gang go east for "Weenies in Bagdad".
Gimme a Buck - The exploits of Lee lacocca and his quest for government funds. This week President Reagan says no to his request for money for new cars, but gives Lee billions for building tanks that don't work any better than the cars.
Hopefully television shows will achieve a higher standard of quality. If this is to take place things will have to happen; program directors will have to think of better prime time scheduling, writers will have to think up better storylines and Mr. T. will have to get a facelift.
So if you're tired of television just remember this: flashy, gaudy, repulsive, stupid shows are here today, but long, boring prime time presidential speeches are here to stay.
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Beat
By Randy Jonson