VOL. XXVIII, NO. 2

By Barbara Walters

You know, people can really ask some stupid questions.  They don’t even have to try hard, the imbecility just comes naturally.  All they have to do is open their mouths, and idiotic phrases just pour out.

I’m sure we’ve all asked someone for an aspirin at sometime or another, and 99.9% of the time what does that person ask ?  “Oh, do you have a headache or something ?”  If you’re note like me, you probably think, no idiot, I just wanted something to suck on and I don’t have any candy.

Have you ever been sitting in the cafeteria and had your friend who’s sitting across from you say, “Don’t look.  Do NOT turn around.  Whatever you do, just DON’T LOOK, but . . . “.

Now, these situations drive me crazy.  If the person really and truly does not want you to look, then why bring up the subject at all ?  Sometimes I think that this person actually has a deep set psychological wish to drive people insane.  There must be some kind of Freudian explanation for these friends.

Another situation that really kills me is when I call home to tell my data that I can’t get the car started.  I’ll go through a long explanation and describe how the car shakes when I turn the key, and tell him that just as the car is about to start huge puffs of black smoke pour out of the exhaust pipe.

After a short period of dead silence, my dad informs me that, “There must be something wrong with it.”  Well thank you so much Mr. Goodwrench, I would have never been able to figure that out.  I mean really, it’s a wonder this man can pump his own gas.

And speaking of pumping gas, have you ever pulled into a gas station and asked directions ?  If you’re really lucky, you’ll get to talk to a mechanic who’s response to your question is, “Are you lost ?”  No, I was just using that story as an excuse to come in and talk to you about the differences between super-unleaded gasoline and diesel fuel.  Don’t flatter yourself.

Another stupid question that I’m sure everyone has asked at least once in his lifetime is, “Can I borrow a Kleenex ?”  If you think about what you are literally asking, you request is downright gross.  The word borrow implies that the object will be returned when you’re done with it.  To return a used piece of Kleenex is just not (in my opinion) considered to be proper etiquette for civilized people.

I’m sure that “Dear Abby” would even agree that returning a soiled Kleenex is “blowing” the idea of courtesy our of proportion.  And “Dear Abby” definitely “nose” her business.

People who accidentally call your house with a wrong number can be really insane sometimes.  One time a guy called my house and asked if he could talk to Sue. I told him that he had the wrong number, and that nobody named Sue lived at my house.  Well, instead of hanging up like most intelligent people would do, he says, “Are you sure there’s no Sue there?”

Talk about stupid.  Does he want me to take a headcheck of everyone in my house and call the F.B.I. for personal printouts of the life histories of these people ?  Or dies he just think that I’m some kind of sub-human life form incapable of answering a simple question ?

The next time you think that you have something interesting to say of an intelligent question to ask, don’t bother.  You’ll save time and energy, not to mention saving face.  So remember to keep a smile on your lips, your foot in your mouth and above all just shut up.