Westerner 3.10.2., Story 4

By Zella Torehia

In the spring a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of baseball!

No amount of bright spring flowers or romantic moonlight can remove his thoughts from Roger Maris or Mickey Mantle. Not even the idea of a picnic or a beach party can make him break training!

In order to deal with this problem, the young women of the United States have formed an association which has proved to be successful. This well known organization is the National WoMen AgAinst AthLEtics Anonymous. The object of this organization is to deal with this menace, baseball, by pacifistic means. In other words, burn every baseball park in the country, peacefully that is.

When this object is accomplished, the organization will try to legislate a Sadie Hawkins season, which will last from the first day of spring, March 21, of each year to March 20 of the next year. During this time all men will be legal game for all female hunters.

This organization has been a tremendous success everywhere, particularly in the highly civilized area of Chicamongatongakia, in the brightest part of darkest Africa. Of course, this is not the only place it's been successful. In Coolicengeria, Antarctica, there are only five unattached males. You are probably saying that baseball is not as popular in these places as in the United States-right? Well, if you go to Chicamongatongakia, Africa, you'll find that a leg bone and a shrunken head work just as well for a cannibal as a huge icicle and a snowball work for the men in Coolicengeria, Antarctica.

Just think how well this would work in the United States. With no more baseball parks, the only thing left is to get rid of the equipment. It seems to me that a sawed-down, warped baseball bat would make a lovely drift-wood lamp bottom; the unraveled baseball would supply string for quite a lot of kites. Hum-mm, can't think of any other use for that "mitt" than just an extra hotpad holder.

Let's see. All this should be completed about September. . . Oh, no!. . . Football!