VOL. V, NO. 9
FEBRUARY 21, 1964
Contact Wearers Organize
By Cheri Schanz
Beware!
It's not an invasion from Mars or a delegation from the lonely hearts club. Maine West, like the rest of the institutions throughout the world where there are people, has formed a society of these red, wide-eyed, groping people.
If you ask one of these creatures what he is groping for, you will invariably get an answer anywhere from "it's a little green thing" to "it's a little blue, brown, or pink thing."
Perhaps you've chanced on meeting a society member who positively cannot look you straight in the eye. This person has all the outward appearances of a shifty character. Any moment now you expect him to pull out his forty‑five between undulating eye movements. However, have no fear, for this seemingly dangerous person is quite as harmless as a blind man without his cane. Have pity on this poor victim of spasmodic eyeball movements!
Beware!
It's not an invasion from Mars or a delegation from the lonely hearts club. Maine West, like the rest of the institutions throughout the world where there are people, has formed a society of these red, wide-eyed, groping people.
If you ask one of these creatures what he is groping for, you will invariably get an answer anywhere from "it's a little green thing" to "it's a little blue, brown, or pink thing."
Perhaps you've chanced on meeting a society member who positively cannot look you straight in the eye. This person has all the outward appearances of a shifty character. Any moment now you expect him to pull out his forty‑five between undulating eye movements. However, have no fear, for this seemingly dangerous person is quite as harmless as a blind man without his cane. Have pity on this poor victim of spasmodic eyeball movements!
A final sign that would tell you that you are in the presence of one of these people is when one approaches you for a kleenex. With his red, tearstained, and suffering eyes you would expect rather to be asked for a dime for coffee. But, in all sincerity, this is not an act. You might think these people lived on kleenex from the rate at which they consume them. Besides consuming kleenex these people also have a mad passion for apirin which they say eases the pain of their ferocious headaches. They also are in the habit of playing what looks like leap frog, because they often do their groping on all fours.
What is this terrible menace we have been invaded by, that has upset our rational society with its irrational behavior? As one of this society I ask only understanding for myself and my fellow contact lens wearers.
What is this terrible menace we have been invaded by, that has upset our rational society with its irrational behavior? As one of this society I ask only understanding for myself and my fellow contact lens wearers.