VOL. 6, NO. 7
DEC. 18, 1964

The plans of a faker
By Karin Karner

The art of a successful fake of illness takes skill, much preparation, and experience. First, what day do you want to miss? After that has been chosen, take at least two or three days ahead of the date set to prepare your parents. Now that the dates have been picked, decide on what you want to come down with. Let us say the flu. It is a good one for beginners. Get an encyclopedia and look up the symptoms: headaches, discomfort throughout the body, fever, and sniffles. Now that you have the important data, go into action.

If you are staying home Friday, start Wednesday. While your parents are watching the Beverly Hillbillies, walk into the room, plop down in a chair, and groan discreetly. Mention that you must be coming down with something and refuse the offer of a snack. You have their attention. Now smile weakly and make an effort to sit up. Sniff once or twice and say you think you will go to bed. They will now start to worry.
 After school Thursday, ask your mother if you have a fever. Then take a couple of aspirins and go to your room. Now the strategy begins. At supper, first pick at your food, and complain of a headache. Then ask if you have to finish your supper, your stomach feels queasy. That night, put a little bath powder on your face, it works wonders to make you pale. Keep a halfdazed look on your face, with your eyes partially open. Then when everyone has gone to bed, get up and take a raw egg, because it will make you vomit about five hours later.

Friday morning, and the delicate operation begins. Stagger into your parents' bedroom and weakly say, "Mommy, I don't feel well." Don't overdo it; they might call the doctor. Before you know it, you are back in your nice warm bed.